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YOU ARE BETTER THAN A GREAT MOM, YOU’RE A GOOD ONE!


YOU ARE BETTER THAN A GREAT MOM, YOU’RE A GOOD ONE!


Comedian Ali Wong commented that it takes ‘very little to be considered a shitty mom’. The notion of perfection is a mother’s cross to bear. Add to this the pressure of managing a career and the household, and you have a foolproof recipe for a burnt-out woman.


Donald Winnicott, a pioneering British pediatrician and psychoanalyst, profoundly impacted the understanding of child development and parenting. Central to his work is the concept of the "good enough mother," an idea that reshaped parenting and offered valuable insights into the dynamics between mother and child.



The Essence of the "Good Enough Mother"


Winnicott’s concept of the "good enough mother" centers on the belief that perfection is neither possible nor necessary in parenting. He highlights the importance of authentic, rather than perfect, caregiving. He believed that a mother who is “good enough” adapts to her infant's needs adequately, providing the secure base required for the child’s emotional and psychological growth. In infancy, this involves meeting the baby’s needs consistently and responsively. However, as the child grows, the mother gradually becomes less exact in her responses, allowing the child to experience manageable frustrations. These moments help the child develop resilience and a sense of self. 


Disillusionment is one of the tenets of Winnicott’s theory. As an infant, the child lives under the illusion that all their needs will be met immediately. However, the real world rarely operates in such a manner, and living under this illusion in adulthood can then be detrimental to well-being. 


It is important to note that Winnicott’s theory does not absolve the parent of neglect or abuse. According to him, consistently meeting the infant’s needs is extremely important in helping them feel secure and cared for. 


Winnicott encapsulates the intimate bond between mother and child by saying, “There is no such thing as a baby, there is a baby and someone.” This statement underscores the idea that the mother and child form a symbiotic unit. This interconnectedness is crucial for the baby's initial psychological development. However, having an overbearing caregiver can hinder independence and prevent the child from developing a sense of self that is separate from the mother.


The Impact on Maternal Identity


While natural and necessary, this fusion between mother and child often comes at a cost to the mother’s sense of self. Many women experience a profound shift in identity after becoming mothers, struggling to reconcile their pre-baby selves with their new role. The demands of caregiving, combined with the expectation to be a perfect mother, can lead to feeling invisible and a loss of individuality. A mother’s existence then revolves around meeting every need of the child.


The societal pressures placed on mothers amplify this struggle. In modern culture, where curated images of “supermoms” dominate social media and popular narratives, mothers are often made to feel inadequate if they don’t meet impossibly high standards. This perpetuates the idea that a mother must sacrifice her sense of self to be good enough, creating an unhealthy dichotomy between personal fulfilment and parenting. This can often lead to feelings of helplessness and frustration with self and others. 


Winnicott offers a compassionate alternative to these pressures. He posits that mothers do not need to be perfect or ever-present but simply need to be reliable and loving enough to nurture their child's growth. This affords mothers the space to be human, with needs, flaws, and moments of rest, which are crucial for maintaining a sense of self beyond motherhood.


Applications and Implications in Daily Life


Winnicott’s philosophy can help mothers approach parenting with more balance and less guilt. Realizing that small, manageable frustrations are beneficial for a child's development, mothers can permit themselves to step back when needed. This could mean acknowledging that moments of independent play are healthy for both mother and child, letting a child try and fail at a task without rushing to intervene, or letting them express their anger without rushing to distract them, thus allowing the child to learn ways to self-soothe and develop problem-solving skills.


A good enough mother encourages her child to express frustrations in a safe and secure space, fostering a sense of identity and autonomy. This approach helps develop resilience, problem-solving, and emotional regulation in children while simultaneously allowing mothers to retain parts of their identity. 


A Path to Balanced Motherhood


Applying Winnicott’s wisdom means accepting the natural imperfections of both parenting and life. This allows mothers to reclaim aspects of their identity, reinforcing that they are more than their role as caregivers. Practicing self-reflection, accepting help, and setting boundaries become acts of strength rather than selfishness.

 

When mothers understand that they do not need to be flawless, they can focus on building a nurturing, authentic relationship with their children and, importantly, with themselves. And this in turn helps the child’s development. 




References




Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us on fettle.counselling@gmail.com.


 
 
 

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