Is setting boundary with your loved ones selfish or just an act of self care?

Growing up , we have always been taught to take care of others, but how many times have we actually been told to take care of ourselves ?

In a collectivistic culture like India, where we live within the circle of close knit families, the focus is always outward on others' needs. The message imparted to us is loud and clear “Prioritizing your need over others is selfish while sacrificing your needs for others is selfless and morally right.”

No surprise, most of us struggle with boundary setting in our relationships and work spaces that leads to feelings of resentment, loneliness and burnout. Healthy boundaries are of utmost importance not only for one’s mental health but also for building deep meaningful relationships. And yet most of us struggle with setting healthy boundaries or even saying “ no”.

Why is it difficult for us to set boundaries? There are so many reasons why it might be a tough task for us to establish healthy boundaries in our relationships and some of these might be stemming from :

• Fear of abandonment and ruining the relationship : Sometimes, due to our negative childhood experiences and socialization, the only way that we have known to be loved is to be useful to others . When our focus is on other’s needs, we end up defining our sense of worth based on how useful we are to someone. So even if we try to shift our focus inwards, to our own needs, it might be accompanied with the fear of losing people who we are close to. It is important to note that healthy relationships are characterized by healthy boundaries where we are able to prioritize our needs without feeling the fear of ruining the relationship or being left alone.

• Intense feelings of guilt : A lack of individualistic focus while growing up can condition us to associate setting boundaries as an act of selfishness. This negative association of setting boundaries with being selfish might bring intense feelings of guilt especially when we are trying to take care of ourselves. Sometimes the guilt is too much to bear and to avoid the uncomfortable feelings , we might end up overlooking our own emotional needs . There is nothing wrong in taking care of ourselves . Setting boundaries is not selfish but just an act of self care.

• Lack of knowledge: Sometimes we might struggle with setting boundaries simply because we have never been taught how to be assertive and set healthy boundaries.

• Negative experiences with setting boundaries: Boundaries are not easy to set . We might have negative experiences setting boundaries specially with people who don’t know how to respect someone else’s boundaries. And we have such negative experiences , we end up generalizing it to every situation and might feel it’s futile to set boundaries . It becomes more important to set boundaries to give ourselves the space that we require but also convey expectations to the people how you want to be treated.

Setting healthy boundaries is not easy. It can be a difficult process and might be uncomfortable specially in the beginning . But what we practice , grows stronger and after a point of time comes naturally to us and becomes our comfort zone.

Some ways to set healthy boundaries :

Awareness : The first step is always awareness. Always note when are you struggling with setting boundaries and in what situation. Additionally note any distressing and uncomfortable feelings that come up for you when you are trying to set boundaries. Build curiosity about those feelings . Some of the questions you can ask yourself are :

• What are the situations / people I struggle with setting boundaries ?

• What are the distressing feelings and thoughts that come up for me ?

• Where are these uncomfortable feelings stemming from ? Is it about the situation/ people or about my social conditioning and fear ?

• Why is it important for me to set boundaries ?

Shifting focus inwards : To set boundaries, it’s important to focus on your needs and wants. Without knowing what you want or how you expect to be treated, it is difficult to set boundaries. Therefore, check in with yourself and listen to your needs , to the uncomfortable feelings that are telling you that there is something wrong that needs to be changed.

Learn assertiveness : Once you know about your needs and expectations, it is important to convey them assertively and in a calm way. Learning how to be assertive becomes of utmost importance . And if you struggle with saying straightforward no, you can learn how to reframe it differently . For instance : Saying no to a friend who is pestering you to go out when you want to spend time working on your assignment , “ Right now, I’m busy at the moment and I want to spend time with you. I can go out once I’m done with my work.”

Seek professional help: If you are struggling a lot with setting boundaries and it’s affecting your mental health drastically, it’s important to seek professional help. A professional can help you to navigate the difficulties around establishing boundaries and can provide you the supportive space to address the uncomfortable feelings . In a therapy space you can also learn how to be assertive.

Lastly, we want you to remind you your needs matter as much as someone else’s does and sacrificing your needs in the name of prioritizing others needs is not noble . Setting boundaries is an act of self care and self love and is important to build healthy relationships with oneself and with others.

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us on fettle.counselling@gmail.com.